NEW JOB

Ironman got a new position at work. After working the same job for over 10 years, Ironman applied for a different position within the company and got it. YEAH. I am so proud of him. So now, he still has his old position part time, and is now the Safey Co-ordinator of the warehouse. He's excited. Now we just have to wait and see to see if he gets the management position in Calgary and we will be moving. I'm kind of looking forward to living in Alberta so I am excited.

baby or no baby?

I have been thinking alot lately, should we have another little super hero to join Spidey? He's 4 and a half now and I still can't decide if we want another one. Somedays I do, somedays I don't. I asked Ironman today, how he felt about it, and he seems to be in the same feeling I am. There is so many pros and cons to it. I mean I would so love to have another baby. I love babies. I always have. I still can't walk through Sears with out going to look at the baby department. Spidey is always going up to strange people with babies just so he can take a look. Loves holding them. Telling Ironman and me that we need to have a baby. Telling me to take my bandaid off ( I am on the patch) so I can have a baby. I have explained to him that I wear the bandaids so a baby doesn't grow in my tummy. He would so love to have a baby brother or sister.

I feel that I am spoiled now though as Spidey is getting older. He can do so many more things for himself now, alot more independant. He prides himself that I will now let him go around the little block in the neighborhood. I am liking that I now have some of my indendance back. I don't have to care for a baby anymore, who depends your constant attention. I am scared of having another baby like Spidey.

My baby was HORRIBLE. I loved him, but somedays I thought I really wanted to hurt him. Looking back on it now, I think there was something wrong and I should have pushed the drs. to find out what it was. This baby, my lovely little boy, screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed. I have never ever ever heard a baby that cried as much as he did. and I have been around alot of babies. Now that I think back to it, I think he might have had a back problem or a lactose problem, there was something there. But finally at about 9 months he seemed to grow out of it.

I think I am also really scared of the depression. We figured out when Spidey was about 18 months old that I was suffering from depression. We think that it stemmed from post partum depression. So i have been fighting that now for 3 years. They way I have felt somedays this summer, being put back on anti depressants, I really don't think I would be able to handle having a screaming baby, Spidey who doesn't seem to want to listen to me lately, I would probably go absolutely batty. I would feel very sorry for Ironman. Having a crazy wife, screaming baby, and Spidey the booger.

The finances would be a big thing too. I don't feel I have the money to buy Spidey the things that he needs or wants, it would be even harder with 2. And daycare, for another one, fck, that scares me. Unless I could find a way to make at least 1g a month from home. Without having to sell something. Anybody got any ideas?
I also don't like the idea of surgery again. I went through a really bad time last time having a c section, i'm kind of scared to do it again. Not to mention the weight gain. Not like I need to gain anymore weight. I am having a hard enough time losing 20 lbs before Mexico. I'm really scared to go through another pregnancy.

So to have another baby or not? It is such a hard decision. I just want to make it so I can start to make more plans in my life, and if they hold another child or not. God, why can't anything in life ever be easy. This decision is by far the hardest I have ever had to make.

My leg is sooo damn sore. Went tubing down the river yesterday and of course I got injured. We didn't have any of our own tubes so Steve borrowed a few for me and Ironman. Spidey sat on the pontoon boat with Steve. These tubes were the most inefficient river tubes I have ever seen. They both had a huge bubble on one side. We figured that it would make a good pillow. Wrong. We would end up sitting almost straight up in the water and fall over. I tried to put the bubble at my legs but ended up doing a backwards somersault into the water. I really scared my self there. And of course everyone I was with is way down the river and didn't see. I figured I almost killed myself there and no one even knew.

So I finally get sort of on this damn tube. Things are going ok. Little bit of problems with my feet hitting the rocks, nothing I can't handle. We get past this one corner that I was freaked to go on, and everything is going good. We see another corner coming up, it doesn't look so bad. All of a sudden we see our buddy Dan do a flip of his tube. Oh shit, here we go I thought. By this time the current had got me and there was no stopping. Well it got be all right and threw me right into the rocks. Smashed my left leg. But then I'm stuck on the damn side of this rock. Water gushing past me, I still have my tube. I'm holding on for dear life, contemplating what I am gonna do. If I try to jump back in the water with the tube I'm just gonna get thrown back into the wall. I let the tube go and saw it go floatin' by Ironman down the way. He had stopped to wait for me.
I'm still holding on to the rock contemplating what I am going to do. My leg was screaming at me in pain but I knew I couldn't hold on forever. I still figured I was gonna get thrown back into the rocks if I jumped but knew I had to. I let go and jumped, under the water I went, sunglasses staying on, I just knew I was gonna hit my head on a rock, but all of a sudden I'm just floating and I'm in a calm part of the river again. Floated down to Ironman as he was trying to come back up stream for me. He told me he had never been that scared over me before. He really thought I was in serious trouble. He even told me that a few times later that day. Well the rest of the tubing trip went good, but got out of the water and I could barely walk. My thigh is so damn sore.
Last night I was walking around with a crutch so I didn't have to put any pressure on it. But I'm so clumsy I kept hitting it with the crutch, so that didn't work. I have a bruise from my hip to my knee and it HURTS. I can't stand up it hurts, can't sit down it hurts, can't walk, can't get out of my car, hurts when I use the clutch in my car. It just fckn hurts. Good thing I dont' have a more physical job or I wouldn't have been going to work today.

KID FREE!!!!!!

Spidey is at the neighbours right now. So I get to sit and relax. Its nice to be kid free sometimes. Our neighbours don't usually let the kids play inside but Spidey is even staying for dinner. That's cool, I get to bum around on the computer till I have to start making dinner for Ironman.

I really love havin these kid free moments. That's what scares me about having another one. Would I ever get free time anymore? And especially if we move to Calgary, we don't know anyone, no family=no FREE babysitter. We have hardly ever gotten a REAL babysitter besides family cause they are so damn expensive.

I also think I am starting to get spoiled as Spidey gets older. He is able to do so many more things for himself and doesn't depend on me as much. Shit, he is even giving himself his own medicine at night now with out us asking sp now he doesn't even fight about it. Nose drops and puffers. It makes me soo proud. He's getting so big. And now that he is less dependant on me and Ironman we get to relax a little bit more. Not a whole lot.

I love babies sooo much, but just don't know if I could go back to that baby stage. Everytime I am around babies now, once they start crying I hand them back to their loving parents. I just don't know if I could handle having a baby that cried all the time again. Especially if we are in Calgary and we don't know anyone that could give us a break. With the way my depression is now I would be scared to know what it would be like then.

Then there is the thought of another c-section. I really don't think I want to go through that again. The memories are still so vivid to me sometimes. And I still feel my scar throbbing after 4 and a half years. The infections I had were crazy and when they cut me open the second time was unbearable. Poor Ironman having to change my bandages from the 5inch by 7 inch open gash in my stomache. For 3 weeks he did that. He cried as much as I did that first time. It hurst soooo fkin bad and he felt so bad for hurting me even though it wasn't his fault. He was great though, I don't know many men who would do what he did for their woman. I love my hubby. He is awesome.

HOT HOT HOT in the sun

Man, is it ever hot out there. I don't really notice it when I am at work because of the air conditioning but when I get into my car I sure notice. Next car will have airconditioning!!!!!!! And no black interior. I can't help but feel dissapointed about the weather though. It is soooo hot no one can stand it, telling me how lucky I am to be in an air conditioned building at work, but I don't get to enjoy the weather. The only two days off together I have for the month was last week and it was really crappy. NO sun or nothin. As soon as I go back to work the sun comes out. And I only have 3 more days off in the month of August so they damn well better be nice. Or I'm gonna quit and become a beach bum.

I GOT A TREADMILL

Yeah, I got a treadmill today. It's not the best, the incline doesn't work, but it makes me run. Now I have absolutely NO excuses when it is raining out. And the best part? It was FREE. That was just awesome. So I have this to use for now until we can afford to get me a new one. I can't wait till it's raining out so I can actually use it. The weather is too beautiful right now. Wouldn't seem right running inside. I have to take advantage of it when I can because next summer I might not be able to enjoy the wonderful BC weather. I might be in Calgary where they get snow on my birthday in August. I cringe thinking about how cold it can be. I remember that kind of cold. Ironman has never moved away from family before so I think it will be an expierence and a half for him. But I'm getting kind of excited.