baby or no baby?

I have been thinking alot lately, should we have another little super hero to join Spidey? He's 4 and a half now and I still can't decide if we want another one. Somedays I do, somedays I don't. I asked Ironman today, how he felt about it, and he seems to be in the same feeling I am. There is so many pros and cons to it. I mean I would so love to have another baby. I love babies. I always have. I still can't walk through Sears with out going to look at the baby department. Spidey is always going up to strange people with babies just so he can take a look. Loves holding them. Telling Ironman and me that we need to have a baby. Telling me to take my bandaid off ( I am on the patch) so I can have a baby. I have explained to him that I wear the bandaids so a baby doesn't grow in my tummy. He would so love to have a baby brother or sister.

I feel that I am spoiled now though as Spidey is getting older. He can do so many more things for himself now, alot more independant. He prides himself that I will now let him go around the little block in the neighborhood. I am liking that I now have some of my indendance back. I don't have to care for a baby anymore, who depends your constant attention. I am scared of having another baby like Spidey.

My baby was HORRIBLE. I loved him, but somedays I thought I really wanted to hurt him. Looking back on it now, I think there was something wrong and I should have pushed the drs. to find out what it was. This baby, my lovely little boy, screamed and screamed and screamed and screamed. I have never ever ever heard a baby that cried as much as he did. and I have been around alot of babies. Now that I think back to it, I think he might have had a back problem or a lactose problem, there was something there. But finally at about 9 months he seemed to grow out of it.

I think I am also really scared of the depression. We figured out when Spidey was about 18 months old that I was suffering from depression. We think that it stemmed from post partum depression. So i have been fighting that now for 3 years. They way I have felt somedays this summer, being put back on anti depressants, I really don't think I would be able to handle having a screaming baby, Spidey who doesn't seem to want to listen to me lately, I would probably go absolutely batty. I would feel very sorry for Ironman. Having a crazy wife, screaming baby, and Spidey the booger.

The finances would be a big thing too. I don't feel I have the money to buy Spidey the things that he needs or wants, it would be even harder with 2. And daycare, for another one, fck, that scares me. Unless I could find a way to make at least 1g a month from home. Without having to sell something. Anybody got any ideas?
I also don't like the idea of surgery again. I went through a really bad time last time having a c section, i'm kind of scared to do it again. Not to mention the weight gain. Not like I need to gain anymore weight. I am having a hard enough time losing 20 lbs before Mexico. I'm really scared to go through another pregnancy.

So to have another baby or not? It is such a hard decision. I just want to make it so I can start to make more plans in my life, and if they hold another child or not. God, why can't anything in life ever be easy. This decision is by far the hardest I have ever had to make.